MRWEEKENDLOVER

SOMETIMES WE NEED TO TRAVEL THIS JOURNEY OF LIFE ALONE. WE NEED TO REMEMBER WHAT WE ONCE LOVED ABOUT OURSELVES, THE PPL AROUND US, AND THE WORLD. I WAS IN SUCH A SEVERE STATE OF DEPRESSION I BUILT THIS WALL AROUND ME SHIELDING MYSELF FROM EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE AROUND ME. I WANTED TO DISASSOCIATE MYSELF FROM THE WORLD, I BOUGHT SURVIVAL KITS, BOOKS, KNIFES, AND GUNS  THINKING ID BE BETTER OFF TRACKING IN THE STREETS AS A NOMAD YEARNING SO BAD TO BE FREE, BUT I FELT SAFE BEHIND THIS INVISIBLE WALL BECAUSE ID RATHER BE BORDERED UP. IT WOULDN'T MAKE SENSE TO MOST PEOPLE, BUT THAT WAS HOW I FELT GOING THROUGH MY DEPRESSION.... I PUSHED PEOPLE AWAY, I SET UP BARRIERS PEOPLE COULDN'T CROSS, AND NOW THAT I AM ALONE, I AM FORCED TO JOURNEY BY MYSELF. ITS WHAT I NEED, THE PATH I AM ON IS ME BEING LOST, ITS ME FINDING MY OWN WAY...

THE TOUGHEST THING IVE HAD TO DO WAS CREATE A SAFE SPACE FOR MYSELF.  NO ONE IS OBLIGATED TO DO THAT FOR ME. I LOOKED FOR WOMEN TO DO THAT AND IT LEFT ME IN WORSE SITUATIONS THAN BEFORE. ITS SORT OF THAT BABY BOY COMPLEX... BUT NOT IN THE SENSE OF THEM TAKING CARE OF ME FINANCIALLY, BUT EMOTIONALLY... AS A MAN ALL IVE EVER WANTED WAS A SAFE SPACE, BUT I DIDNT REALIZE FOR THE LONGEST I CREATE MY OWN.

MY FIRST REAL HEARTBREAK TAUGHT ME HOW TO BUILD WALLS. I LOVED HER WITH ALL THAT WAS IN ME. AND ONE DAY SHE JUST LEFT ME NO EXPLANATIONS, NO WHYS, NO FUCK YOUS, ANYTHING.  I DID NOT REALIZE THEN, BUT NOBODY OWES YOU ANYTHING. NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU MAY THINK IT WILL GIVE YOU CLOSURE, YOU STILL HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO WORK THROUGH IT YOURSELF.  I AM DEFINITELY A MAN GROWING THROUGH PAIN AND GRIEF, BUT IM LEARNING TO DEAL WITH IT.... FINALLY. 

TO EXPRESS HOW YOU REALLY FEEL, YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO FIND THE RIGHT WORDS. I TEND TO SHUT DOWN WHEN I DO NOT FEEL HEARD, BUT I ALSO HAVE TO FIND THE RIGHT WORDS. WHEN I DO AND I AM STILL NOT HEARD, WELL THEN THATS NOT ON ME. IT IS FRUSTRATING BEING A MANN AND FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE NO VOICE... KEEP WORKING ON ME... #ITSOKAY

I CAN ADMIT RIGHT NOW THAT MY HEART IS FRAGILE. AS I CONTINUE TO PUT THINGS BACK TOGETHER, PART OF THAT PROCESS IS BEING HONEST ABOUT IT. THE WALLS ARE UP, BUT IM WORKING ON BREAKING THEM DOWN CREATING BOUNDARIES...

AT 43 I BELIEVE I FINALLY UNDERSTANDTHE SAYING "YOU NEVER MISS YOUR WATER UNTIL YOUR WELL RUNS DRY."... LEARNING HOW TO MOVE ON IS HARD, BUT I NEVER WANT TO EXPERIENCE A PAIN THIS THAT EVER AGAIN... 

IM UP RIGHT NOW THINKING. I AM WAY BETTER THAN I WAS A YEAR AGO, BUT THERE IS OFTEN TIMES WHERE I STILL HAVE SOME EMPTINESS... ITS BEEN A YEAR SINCE I LOST THE LOVE OF MY LIFE... GROWTH IS A AMAZING,  BUT GRIEF CAN SOMETIMES FIND ITS WAY BACK IN THE MIDDLE OF HEALING... SHE DID NOT DIE, SHE CHOSE HERSELF OVER ME, IN A TIME SHE NEEDED TO AND AS SHE SHOULD. IN ALL HONESTY I DIDNT DESERVE HER... I JUST HOPE SHES HAPPY... 

LINKING WITH SOMEONE IS A MEASURE OF CLOSENESS THAT BUILDS A BOND, IF IT'S TRUE, REAL, HONEST, AND GENUINE, NO ONE CAN EVER BREAK IT...

OVER A YEAR OR SO I LOST ALMOST EVERYTHING I LOVED, MY GIRL, MY JOB AS A COACH, I WAS DOWN ON MY LAST DOLLAR. ONLY THING I HAD WAS MY CAR AND THE CLOTHES ON MY BACK. NOW I WORKING, IN SCHOOL, BILLS ARE PAID, REBUILT SAVINGS ACCOUNT, AND WAITING ON THE RIGHT MOMENT TO BUY A HOME. WHAT HELPED ME YOU ASK??? BUILDING A VILLAGE OF PEOPLE TO HELP ME THROUGH THAT STORM, THERAPY, SCHOOL, AND FINDING A OCCUPATION I LOVE... NOW I AM NOT WHERE I WANNA BE, BUT I AM BETTER THAN I WAS.... FINALLY, I WAS SPIRITUALLY DRAINED, I NEEDED SOME WORDS AND SOME REASSURANCE THAT IT WAS OKAY...